Why Kids and Teens Misbehave: The 4 Goals of Misbehavior and the 4 Crucial C’s
- Dr. Patty Russo
- Sep 17
- 5 min read
As parents, it can feel frustrating (and sometimes confusing) when our kids push back, act out, or shut down. We often wonder: “Why is my child doing this? Did I do something wrong? What do I do now?”
The truth is, misbehavior is rarely random. In fact, decades of research in child psychology and parenting tell us that kids misbehave for four predictable reasons, what’s called the Four Goals of Misbehavior (Dreikurs & Stoltz, 1964). Alongside that, we know that all children (and teens) thrive when their core needs, known as the Four Crucial C’s (Lew & Bettner, 1989), are being met.
In this blog, we’ll break down both frameworks, show how they connect, and give you practical strategies you can use right away, whether you’re navigating bedtime battles with your 7-year-old or curfew arguments with your 15-year-old.
The 4 Goals of Misbehavior
When kids feel discouraged, disconnected, or misunderstood, they often act out to meet an unmet need. Here are the four most common “goals” behind misbehavior, along with examples for both children and teens.
1. Attention: “I only count when I’m noticed.”
How it shows up:
Child: Your 6-year-old suddenly “forgets” how to brush their teeth — but only when you’re rushing to get out the door.
Teen: Your 14-year-old posts something edgy online, rolling their eyes when you bring it up, but clearly checking for likes every few minutes.
What parents often feel: Irritated, annoyed, drained.
What to do: Instead of giving in to negative attention, focus on providing positive attention. Kids need to feel seen, and they’ll seek it out however they can.
Set aside one-on-one “special time” daily, even if it’s just 10 minutes.
Notice effort: “I saw how hard you worked on that math problem.”
Ignore the unwanted behavior but not the child — redirect to something positive.
2. Power: “You can’t make me.”
How it shows up:
Child: Your 8-year-old crosses their arms and refuses to clean up toys, staring you down like it’s a standoff.
Teen: Your 16-year-old argues for an hour about why curfew is unfair, determined to get the last word.
What parents often feel: Angry, challenged, ready to “win.”
What to do: Power struggles only escalate when we try to out-control our kids. The goal isn’t to “win” but to share control where appropriate.
Offer limited choices: “Do you want to do homework before or after dinner?”
Use routines so the structure, not the parent, becomes the “boss.”
Keep a friendly tone while staying firm on limits: “I get that you don’t want to unload the dishwasher. You can do it now, or after your show. Your choice.”
3. Revenge: “I’ll show you how it feels.”
How it shows up:
Child: Your 9-year-old breaks their sibling’s Lego creation after feeling left out.
Teen: Your 15-year-old mutters hurtful comments under their breath after being grounded.
What parents often feel: Hurt, upset, wanting to punish back.
What to do: Revenge is about hurt feelings. Kids lash out when they feel unloved or wronged. The antidote is to rebuild connection and show that the relationship is safe.
Acknowledge their feelings: “It seems like you felt left out.”
Model repair: “What happened hurt me. I’d like us to talk it through.”
Resist the urge to “get even” — instead, focus on teaching empathy and repair.
4. Giving Up (Inadequacy): “I can’t do anything right, so I won’t try.”
How it shows up:
Child: Your 10-year-old crumples up their homework after one mistake and says, “I’m just stupid.”
Teen: Your 17-year-old skips classes because they’ve failed so many tests they believe it’s hopeless.
What parents often feel: Despair, hopelessness, wanting to give up too.
What to do: Kids in this space don’t need lectures, they need encouragement and steady support.
Focus on small wins and progress, not perfection.
Break big tasks into manageable steps.
Offer reassurance: “I believe in you. Let’s figure this out together.”
Avoid criticism, even well-meaning corrections can feel like proof they “can’t do it.”
The 4 Crucial C’s
So how do we prevent misbehavior from taking over? By meeting our kids’ fundamental needs — the Crucial C’s. When children and teens feel secure in these four areas, they’re less likely to act out.
Connect: “I belong.”
Parent action: Spend intentional time together. Show interest in their world.
Capable: “I can do it.”
Parent action: Give opportunities to try, fail, and succeed. Praise effort over outcome.
Count: “I matter. I can make a difference.”
Parent action: Invite kids to contribute to family life in meaningful ways (help with dinner, share opinions).
Courage: “I can handle what comes.”
Parent action: Encourage persistence, model resilience, and remind them setbacks are normal.
When parents focus on building the Crucial C’s, they naturally reduce the need for misbehavior.
Bringing It Together: From Theory to Practice
Here’s how this looks in real life:
Bedtime battle with a child (Attention): Instead of scolding, build in 10 minutes of story time so your child feels connected before lights out.
Teen slamming doors (Power): Instead of threatening, give them structured freedom: “I get that you’re upset about curfew. The time isn’t changing, but you can choose whether you want to get picked up or drive yourself home tonight.”
Sibling toy fight (Revenge): Instead of punishing, guide them to repair: “You felt hurt when left out. Let’s find a way to make it right.”
Teen disengaging from school (Giving Up): Instead of lecturing, encourage step by step: “Let’s focus on getting through one class at a time.”
Reflection Questions for Parents
Next time your child or teen acts out, ask yourself:
What might they be needing right now — attention, power, revenge, or giving up?
How can I respond in a way that meets the need behind the behavior, not just the behavior itself?
Am I building connection, capability, a sense of mattering, and courage in daily life?
Final Thoughts
Misbehavior doesn’t mean your child is “bad.” It’s their way of communicating an unmet need. When we step back and look for the goal behind the behavior, we can respond in ways that teach skills, strengthen relationships, and build resilience.
Remember — parenting isn’t about perfection, but about progress. Each small step toward connection and encouragement matters.
How Balanced Minds Psychology & Wellness Can Help
At Balanced Minds Psychology & Wellness, we specialize in helping families and individuals find balance, improve communication, and overcome obstacles. Our friendly, professional team offers therapy and testing services for children, adolescents, and young adults. Whether you’re navigating a specific issue or simply want to strengthen your family bond, we’re here to help. In addition, we offer parent support sessions to help you better connect with your kids and change communication patterns at home.
Get Started Today
Contact Balanced Minds Psychology & Wellness to schedule a consultation and learn more about our therapy and testing services.
Visit us at www.balanced-minds.com
Call us at 727-300-1860
References
Dreikurs, R., & Stoltz, V. (1964). Children: The Challenge. New York: Hawthorn Books.
Lew, A., & Bettner, B. L. (1989). A Parent’s Guide to the Four Crucial C’s.
Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline. New York: Ballantine Books.
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. New York: Harper Wave.
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Parenting resources. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting